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It's funny, this has been a good weekend, with little exception, and yet I'm pouting because the last bit of news that I received was irritating. It's funny how little things can color your perception and shape your day---especially in the case of the last thing heard or read.
I'm all angry and upset because the GD City of Davis wants to soak me for $180 for parking tickets (and that's only one car). I've already paid half of that and they claim that I owe more because of late fees but the numbers are off---there's NO WAY I owe that much money on three $30 parking tickets. Grrr. It's another phone call I'll have to make tomorrow and another reminder that all of my precious (little) disposable income is going to the tickets/car registrations in my life. It also reminds me that I have to fix and sell the old car RIGHT NOW. And clean my apartment and refinance my credit cards and finish my incomplete and revamp my resume and, well, you get the picture.
My boss has a friend who's looking for an office manager for a lobbying firm in Sacramento and Heidi just sent me a lead on an entry level position for a Democratic political consulting firm. Both are decent prospects, but will I actually get my act together, my confidence up, and apply for the damned things? Shocking as it seems, this is a variable that's rather unpredictable. Will I have a crisis of confidence when I go to fax my applications or will I send them with full faith that I am a suitable candidate. If the latter, will that belief sustain me through a potential interview or rejection? One never knows, but I'm not terribly optimistic.
I know that ironically, my fear of failure is dooming me to it. I've come to an age where I can no longer putz around and chalk it up to bohemian wanderings. I used to justify my lifestyle by reasoning that there weren't a lot of "real" jobs out there that I actually wanted to do. But, as I've come to understand, even if something is terrible, there are lessons to be learned from it. Right now I'm in a stagnant place where there is no growth, no learning, no development. I need to be in an environment that spurs me on to greater things--retail is not that place. If I can transform myself, I will once again understand the power of that process and perhaps my confidence will return. When things stay the same for too long, you begin to doubt your agency and your ability to change. I need a concrete example-- I need to move forward.
Wish me luck.
On other notes, D and I spent Friday night watching movies (Punch Drunk Love and About Schmidt--both two thumbs down) and Saturday with his parents and daughter. There is no better equal to hell than going to IKEA in Emerywille with a two year old and your boyfriend's parents. Utter misery. On a positive note, I was able to BREATHE in SF. This means that the air quality is the culprit in my faux asthma and not an evil nasty blood clot. That saves me a trip to the ER and gives me even more material for my rant against Sacramento.
Hrmph.
After IKEA, I ditched D and his folks and went to Jen and Holly's housewarming party. They're the first of our friends to actually cross the grown-up threshold into home ownership. The party was fun but odd. Out of approximately 40 people, there were a total of 3 straight people (myself included) and as a result I had to put up with endless comments about "breeders" and theories that there's no such thing as "heterosexuality." I should have snapped back, but *shrugs* I was freaking outnumbered.
I don't have a problem with homosexuality. Jeez, even that sounds silly, it's like saying I don't have a problem with the color green. It is what it is...I don't prefer it for myself but I don't curse it either. But, in this crowd, there's this backlash component of the lifestyle that seeks to rectify centuries of bigotry by reversing and repeating the same behavior. It's offensive, not because of the source but because of the action. I hate it and I think it speaks to a growing chasm between my friends and I.
And there's all the crazy fringe sex that goes along with this group. Fire play, needle play, caning, swapping partners, MTFTM post and pre-op, and the subtle differences between boy and boi. (And you thought golden showers were kinky) I can't keep up and I don't want to. I can't share in this world, and to be perfectly honest, there's no desire to. And my friends are starting to dwell ENTIRELY in this world. Conversations used to be punctuated with raunchy references to such acts, but now that's the entirety of them. I can only hear about setting your loved ones on fire mid-coitus so many times. Not only is it a tad disturbing, it's boring when discussed ad nauseam. So that's an issue. And O also brought up the practical problem of never ever meeting heterosexual men. It's time to expand my group of friends. They're good people, but I need more.....
Aside from all of this the party was fun. I finally seemed to click with Steve and James (a gay couple), whom I've always liked but never felt totally welcomed by. I also got to see the infamous Tanya from SF. Tanya is a girl who Heidi has built up to mythological proportions. I expected her to be evil and intimidating but alluring, but it turns out that she's more of a twerp. She was insecure, irritating, attention hungry, mousy looking, and not terribly bright. This was the mighty Tanya? I have no idea why Heidi is so fascinated by her. *shrugs* Now I have a face to put with the name. Eh.
Brrrrrrrrr. It's freezing (yay) in my apartment and it's time for me to hop under the covers. Night all.
I'm all angry and upset because the GD City of Davis wants to soak me for $180 for parking tickets (and that's only one car). I've already paid half of that and they claim that I owe more because of late fees but the numbers are off---there's NO WAY I owe that much money on three $30 parking tickets. Grrr. It's another phone call I'll have to make tomorrow and another reminder that all of my precious (little) disposable income is going to the tickets/car registrations in my life. It also reminds me that I have to fix and sell the old car RIGHT NOW. And clean my apartment and refinance my credit cards and finish my incomplete and revamp my resume and, well, you get the picture.
My boss has a friend who's looking for an office manager for a lobbying firm in Sacramento and Heidi just sent me a lead on an entry level position for a Democratic political consulting firm. Both are decent prospects, but will I actually get my act together, my confidence up, and apply for the damned things? Shocking as it seems, this is a variable that's rather unpredictable. Will I have a crisis of confidence when I go to fax my applications or will I send them with full faith that I am a suitable candidate. If the latter, will that belief sustain me through a potential interview or rejection? One never knows, but I'm not terribly optimistic.
I know that ironically, my fear of failure is dooming me to it. I've come to an age where I can no longer putz around and chalk it up to bohemian wanderings. I used to justify my lifestyle by reasoning that there weren't a lot of "real" jobs out there that I actually wanted to do. But, as I've come to understand, even if something is terrible, there are lessons to be learned from it. Right now I'm in a stagnant place where there is no growth, no learning, no development. I need to be in an environment that spurs me on to greater things--retail is not that place. If I can transform myself, I will once again understand the power of that process and perhaps my confidence will return. When things stay the same for too long, you begin to doubt your agency and your ability to change. I need a concrete example-- I need to move forward.
Wish me luck.
On other notes, D and I spent Friday night watching movies (Punch Drunk Love and About Schmidt--both two thumbs down) and Saturday with his parents and daughter. There is no better equal to hell than going to IKEA in Emerywille with a two year old and your boyfriend's parents. Utter misery. On a positive note, I was able to BREATHE in SF. This means that the air quality is the culprit in my faux asthma and not an evil nasty blood clot. That saves me a trip to the ER and gives me even more material for my rant against Sacramento.
Hrmph.
After IKEA, I ditched D and his folks and went to Jen and Holly's housewarming party. They're the first of our friends to actually cross the grown-up threshold into home ownership. The party was fun but odd. Out of approximately 40 people, there were a total of 3 straight people (myself included) and as a result I had to put up with endless comments about "breeders" and theories that there's no such thing as "heterosexuality." I should have snapped back, but *shrugs* I was freaking outnumbered.
I don't have a problem with homosexuality. Jeez, even that sounds silly, it's like saying I don't have a problem with the color green. It is what it is...I don't prefer it for myself but I don't curse it either. But, in this crowd, there's this backlash component of the lifestyle that seeks to rectify centuries of bigotry by reversing and repeating the same behavior. It's offensive, not because of the source but because of the action. I hate it and I think it speaks to a growing chasm between my friends and I.
And there's all the crazy fringe sex that goes along with this group. Fire play, needle play, caning, swapping partners, MTFTM post and pre-op, and the subtle differences between boy and boi. (And you thought golden showers were kinky) I can't keep up and I don't want to. I can't share in this world, and to be perfectly honest, there's no desire to. And my friends are starting to dwell ENTIRELY in this world. Conversations used to be punctuated with raunchy references to such acts, but now that's the entirety of them. I can only hear about setting your loved ones on fire mid-coitus so many times. Not only is it a tad disturbing, it's boring when discussed ad nauseam. So that's an issue. And O also brought up the practical problem of never ever meeting heterosexual men. It's time to expand my group of friends. They're good people, but I need more.....
Aside from all of this the party was fun. I finally seemed to click with Steve and James (a gay couple), whom I've always liked but never felt totally welcomed by. I also got to see the infamous Tanya from SF. Tanya is a girl who Heidi has built up to mythological proportions. I expected her to be evil and intimidating but alluring, but it turns out that she's more of a twerp. She was insecure, irritating, attention hungry, mousy looking, and not terribly bright. This was the mighty Tanya? I have no idea why Heidi is so fascinated by her. *shrugs* Now I have a face to put with the name. Eh.
Brrrrrrrrr. It's freezing (yay) in my apartment and it's time for me to hop under the covers. Night all.
