I always wondered which house I'd be in...

I'm from Ravenclaw!

Hogwart's Sorting Hat Quiz

made by The Genki Gang

SOB

Alrighty, this is probably TMI for most of you, but it's something that I need to write down in this damned journal to calm myself.

Last night I found a bump "down there," and "down there" was also itching like crazy. I also was achy and had some shooting pains in that area the night prior. I got out my trusty "Our Bodies, Ourselves" Book and looked up the symptoms and all signs point to...*drumroll* Herpes!

Thank you D.

I called him last night around midnight but he didn't answer the phone, so I left a voicemail. I didn't get a call back. At all. I called him this morning and told him again what was going on. His response? So absolutely fucking typical, "you didn't get it from me, I don't have anything." The fact that this has never happened before and that I haven't slept with anyone else in ANY capacity for almost two years wasn't compelling enough evidence for him. I don't think he appreciated that I brought up his fucking Julie either. "Well, I don't have it," is all he has to say, followed by "It's probably nothing."

Gee thanks.

Asshole. This is the same guy who was waxing poetically about working it out for the long term. Thank you god for stellar examples--I can't trust this SOB further than I can throw him.
I am so angry right now.

I got a walk-in appointment for 2pm today but I am FREAKED out in a major, major way.

Negative!!!

Thank you all for your concern and kind words, I really, really appreciate all of your insights and comforting words. Thank you so much.

I went to my walk-in appointment and was relieved to find out that the suspicious "bump" was most likely a "plugged gland" and the irritation was attributed to a sensitivity to chlorine (I've been swimming lately). I probably do not have Herpes. Thank you God.
I was grateful that the Nurse Practitioner opted to take a viral culture of the bump (just in case) and ordered every STD test commonly available. In a week I'll know all of the results. I'm feeling much better already.

I talked to O today about what happened and she was so kind. She offered to go to the appointment with me and like all good friends, offered to rough up D for me. When I told her my negative results, she was elated. She's a great friend and I am so glad that I know her!

As for D, I haven't heard from him. He hasn't called my work or home for the results and I'm not terribly surprised.

Since I don't have Herpes, I'm thankful for this little scare. It's cast a new light on D's intentions and has helped me come to a decision.

Saturday Night--D and I talked of the future, about working it out, and there were allusions to a "real future"--the kind that ends (begins) with "I do." He told me that he "loved me so very much" and that he would "do anything to work it out." It's painful to think of how close I came to buying it--believing those lines.

Monday Morning--After one ignored voicemail and page, D and I spoke about the mysterious itching and suspicious bump. His first response? "I don't have anything." His second? "It's probably nothing." Thank you for your concern D. Thank you for offering to go to the doctor's office with me (he works from home, so this wouldn't have been a huge imposition). Thank you for inquiring as to how I felt. Thank you for trying to comfort me. Thank you for inquiring as to how the visit went. Thank you for showing concern about our health.
Or rather, thanks for nothing.

What I can be thankful for is that D revealed himself in this incident. He can say what he likes, and perhaps even mean it, but I'm not overwhelmed with his concern and love at this juncture. D will love me and support me so long as it doesn't jeopardize his time or convenience. I don't have enough time or energy to waste on such shoddy emotion. When I put this in the context of everything that's happened, well...Fuck D. It's over.

I'm so thankful this happened...just as I was considering a life with D and agonizing as to whether or not it was a good idea, I get this incident to put it all in perspective. The timing couldn't me more perfect and I thank the fates/god/whomever for making it so very obvious that this is not the person for me.

And I don't have Herpes...thank god indeed.

(no subject)

Wedding Day
by Rosie Thomas

So much for love I guess
I've been wronged but it's alright
Cuz I'm moving on

I've got my car all packed
With cassette tapes and sweaters
and loose change and cheap cigarettes
I'm gonna stop at every truck stop
and make small talk with waiters and truck driving men
I'm gonna fall asleep in the back seat
With no one around but me and my friends

It's gonna be so great
It's gonna be just like my wedding day

Yea, I've had enough of love
It's been good to give up so good to be good to myself
I'm gonna get on the highway with no destination
but plenty of vision in mind
I'm gonna drive to the ocean
Go skinny dipping blow kisses to Venus and Mars
I'm gonna stop at every bar
And flirt with the cowboys in front of their girlfriends

So much for love I guess
I've been wronged but it's alright
Cuz I'm moving on

I'm gonna drive over hills over mountains
And canyons and boys that keep bringing me down
I'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine
drink good wine at vineyards
And get asked to dance
I'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by
Never ever again

(no subject)

Just a little irony for dessert....
Why is it that the same person who bitches about people desecrating the flag by burning it are buying flag panties at Old Navy?
Lord help us all.

Phone Call From D

So D called at around 11pm casually asking how it went. My reply, "if you were so sure that you didn't have anything, you already know the answer." I admit, it was gamey, but I felt entitled. This pissed him off. To whit, "I cannot believe that you're fucking around with me about this." I told him that I couldn't believe that he was being such an ass about it. I warned him that there was no chance that we would have a positive or productive conversation, so he should hang up. Or maybe, I should.

But, he kept insisting, "what were the results?"

I SO appreciated his belated concern and told him so.

And then I told him the results and I thanked him for his concern, sensitivity, and responsibility in the situation. I also told him I'm glad this came in time to break me of any illusions I had about him.

The tone of his voice told me that he thought that I was acting nuts. *shrugs* Funny, I feel perfectly sane. There's a clarity now that I've been missing for quite some time...I'm no longer listening to someone telling me that black is white and that false is true.

I hung up on him.

I'm packing up his stuff right now.

I feel okay about this. There are no tears. I just feel relieved. Maybe this is what I wanted all along and I just needed something to force me to make a decision.

I just hope I'm not pregnant. I don't think I am but I am forever wary of Murphy's Law.