Solved, the Mystery of M

So I flat out asked M what the hell was up and he gave me a perfectly reasonable answer (and oh, btw, he isn't gay). He's interested but he doesn't want to be the transition guy that I forget about a year from now. He knows I'm not over D and I know I'm not over D. It's perfectly sound reasoning, but it makes me want to cry all the same.
Not only do I have to endure the pain and betrayal from the initial breakup with D, but I have to put off other (hopefully happier and healthier) relationships until I'm "over" the bastard. It's desperately unfair.
*sighs*
And to make matters worse, I dreamt of D all night. In the dream we were broken up but still planning our anniversary. We were still in love. Why is this haunting me? Why can't I give up the ghost?

Turn that frown upside down

Okay, so today started out as a challenge. My weigh-in wasn't as spectacular as I had hoped and my willpower wasn't as strong as I would have liked *shrugs*. I'm beginning to accept that these things happen and that they do get better.

Today was an insane day at work, probably the busiest day I've ever experienced at this particular job. The money is rolling in which puts my boss in a very good mood and the trickle down effect is a lovely thing. He and I went out to lunch today at Giovanni's (urgh, I had two pieces of pizza) and he said that he was really impressed with me lately. He and I had a talk approximately two months ago about my performance, and while he said that he didn't have any major complaints, there were things that I needed to work on. I took his words to heart and he noticed. He's going to give me a raise. :) Yay!

After overindulging at Giovanni's I went to the gym and worked out...A LOT. It made feel a little better about the world and my ever-growing (shrinking?) ass. I'm still doing the walk-to-run program and it is my great hope that I'll be jogging sooner than later. Things are going well.

Oddly enough, although I'm losing weight, I feel bigger and uglier than I have in awhile. It's a very weird sensation. The scale tells one story, the mirror another. I'm trying not to get too hung up on it, but it's a little unnerving to see little/no progress every time I look in the mirror. *shrugs* I'm trying to remember that there is objective evidence that there's less of me now than there was before. As fat as I feel and as slow as this process seems, I need remember that I'm approx.25-30 lbs lighter than I was when D and I broke up and that weight came off in less than three months. That's a fantastic amount of weight in a relatively short time frame. Perspective Cassandra, try to maintain some...just a little.

I'm giving it my best...

Progress

Albeit not G-Rated.

I was able to um, er, satisfy myself without crying. Without thinking of D. Without breaking down.

It sounds silly, but this is a beginning...every thought and every impulse isn't tied to him alone.

Freedom, at last.