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The Cosmetic Benefits of Depression
Jan. 26th, 2003 12:48 pmI fucking hate D. He is the biggest liar in the world. I need to remember these things.
I'm so angry this morning...so very pissed. The upside is that I don't miss the pathological lying bastard. The downside is that I'm clenching my teeth right now.
Asshole.
I just need to meditate on these things and remember that karma acts as the clean up crew--he'll get his.
Argh.
So, good things in the world. All this depression had something positive to offer, I lost ten pounds. Yesterday I put on a pair of jeans that I hadn't fit into in several months--that felt great. I still have a long way to go. I'm trying use this as a starting point to lose more weight...lots more weight. For someone who is used to overeating, this new aversion to food is a strange and almost liberating experience. Since I don't want really want to eat, it makes it easier to only put healthy foods in my body when I do eat. The cravings don't bother me anymore and I don't think of food nearly as often. In fact, it's a little bit creepy, I only know that I need to eat when I start feeling lightheaded and sick. It's not that I want to, it's that I have to. I know that's not healthy, but it's helpful. Part of me hopes this is a trend.
I've also developed an aversion to coffee/caffeine/soda...basically anything that isn't water or juice. It's strange, I used to live on Diet Coke and Red Bull and now I can't finish a can without feeling dehydrated and a little sick. I'm drinking at least 3L of water everyday and my skin is glowing as a result.
Who knew that depression could be such a great makeover motivator?
Went to a Movie Marathon Party last night and had fun. It was good to get out of the house; I've been a bit of a hermit these days. I'm getting back to my old self, which is very encouraging....if not for me, then for my friends who've been a bit worried about the impact of this breakup. I managed to be witty and sparkling and played nice with the new kids. Perhaps it was easier because I was sober and most of them were drunk. Here's to clarity of thought in the midst of margaritas--I can thank my new meds for that (no drinking allowed).
However, I was a little bit out of my depth, as most of the party goers were artists or art historians. Inevitably every conversation turned to the art world or classic themes in art history and inevitably my eyes would glaze over. A was the only one who noticed this, and kept trying to switch the conversation to something that I might be able to participate in, but to no avail.
A is such a great guy. K (the hostess) specifically asked me to invite him to the party and managed to mention his planned presence on three different occasions to three different people. I suspect she likes him. I hope that works out but I don't think it will. Despite the fact that they had a great conversation about art history (surprise), he stuck next to me on the couch and didn't hug her at the door as we were leaving. Urgh. They would make a great couple, but *shrugs* what can you do? I think he felt a bit "pimped." I guess my leaning over and whispering to him "All the women here are straight and single" didn't help things. I hope he wasn't too uncomfortable.
A is a little bit older (I think he's 30), attractive in that wiry intellectual way, and he's finishing his BA in Art History. He is also well-read, well-traveled, and a gourmet. Hell, I find him attractive in that I-like-you-but-it-would-never-would-work-out sort of way. (He's looking for someone who ostensibly shares his interests, wants to get married, and who is "fit."--basically not me). He and I have talked a fair amount about relationships and break-ups. He's been a wonderful person to get the male point of view from, he's a little more sensitive and sympathetic to what I'll call "matters of the heart"--he doesn't reduce everything to a "guys wanna get laid/what can you do?" simplicity. I really appreciate that. I want him to be a bigger part of my life, but as what, I'm not sure.
The only thing that nags me is that at that party there were so many people who were passionate about what they were doing. Even if it wasn't overtly successful, it was something they loved and they all seemed happy even though they were struggling. I wish had that, some driving passion, and for that matter, some creative outlet. But I don't, there's just a confused void where all of that should live. The closest thing I have is my writing, and I seem to have lost my fire and my talent for that. It leaves me feeling sort of empty and searching with no resolution in sight.
Sigh.
Time to go to work.
Happy Super Bowl Sunday.
I'm so angry this morning...so very pissed. The upside is that I don't miss the pathological lying bastard. The downside is that I'm clenching my teeth right now.
Asshole.
I just need to meditate on these things and remember that karma acts as the clean up crew--he'll get his.
Argh.
So, good things in the world. All this depression had something positive to offer, I lost ten pounds. Yesterday I put on a pair of jeans that I hadn't fit into in several months--that felt great. I still have a long way to go. I'm trying use this as a starting point to lose more weight...lots more weight. For someone who is used to overeating, this new aversion to food is a strange and almost liberating experience. Since I don't want really want to eat, it makes it easier to only put healthy foods in my body when I do eat. The cravings don't bother me anymore and I don't think of food nearly as often. In fact, it's a little bit creepy, I only know that I need to eat when I start feeling lightheaded and sick. It's not that I want to, it's that I have to. I know that's not healthy, but it's helpful. Part of me hopes this is a trend.
I've also developed an aversion to coffee/caffeine/soda...basically anything that isn't water or juice. It's strange, I used to live on Diet Coke and Red Bull and now I can't finish a can without feeling dehydrated and a little sick. I'm drinking at least 3L of water everyday and my skin is glowing as a result.
Who knew that depression could be such a great makeover motivator?
Went to a Movie Marathon Party last night and had fun. It was good to get out of the house; I've been a bit of a hermit these days. I'm getting back to my old self, which is very encouraging....if not for me, then for my friends who've been a bit worried about the impact of this breakup. I managed to be witty and sparkling and played nice with the new kids. Perhaps it was easier because I was sober and most of them were drunk. Here's to clarity of thought in the midst of margaritas--I can thank my new meds for that (no drinking allowed).
However, I was a little bit out of my depth, as most of the party goers were artists or art historians. Inevitably every conversation turned to the art world or classic themes in art history and inevitably my eyes would glaze over. A was the only one who noticed this, and kept trying to switch the conversation to something that I might be able to participate in, but to no avail.
A is such a great guy. K (the hostess) specifically asked me to invite him to the party and managed to mention his planned presence on three different occasions to three different people. I suspect she likes him. I hope that works out but I don't think it will. Despite the fact that they had a great conversation about art history (surprise), he stuck next to me on the couch and didn't hug her at the door as we were leaving. Urgh. They would make a great couple, but *shrugs* what can you do? I think he felt a bit "pimped." I guess my leaning over and whispering to him "All the women here are straight and single" didn't help things. I hope he wasn't too uncomfortable.
A is a little bit older (I think he's 30), attractive in that wiry intellectual way, and he's finishing his BA in Art History. He is also well-read, well-traveled, and a gourmet. Hell, I find him attractive in that I-like-you-but-it-would-never-would-work-out sort of way. (He's looking for someone who ostensibly shares his interests, wants to get married, and who is "fit."--basically not me). He and I have talked a fair amount about relationships and break-ups. He's been a wonderful person to get the male point of view from, he's a little more sensitive and sympathetic to what I'll call "matters of the heart"--he doesn't reduce everything to a "guys wanna get laid/what can you do?" simplicity. I really appreciate that. I want him to be a bigger part of my life, but as what, I'm not sure.
The only thing that nags me is that at that party there were so many people who were passionate about what they were doing. Even if it wasn't overtly successful, it was something they loved and they all seemed happy even though they were struggling. I wish had that, some driving passion, and for that matter, some creative outlet. But I don't, there's just a confused void where all of that should live. The closest thing I have is my writing, and I seem to have lost my fire and my talent for that. It leaves me feeling sort of empty and searching with no resolution in sight.
Sigh.
Time to go to work.
Happy Super Bowl Sunday.
