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cursedcassandraMany apologies to any loyal readers (ha) who've been disturbed by my recent posts or short absence. Lo siento. Mucho.
I've been so exhausted lately that posting has been a very low priority, with brushing my teeth and getting into bed taking precedence. So exhausted in fact, that I'm going to go see the doctor about it. This is a supreme sacrifice to the gods of good health as I so love being poked and prodded. *sighs* So that's my official excuse and I'm sticking with it.
It also gives me license to be uninspiring and boring in this post. Ha.
A lot has happened since I last posted...
Friday. (aka as "The Ugly")
Worked a full day and went out with M afterwards. Bad choice-- I was very tired and hot to get my hands on some Urban Sociology books and that got in the way of me being good company. You see, there are two types of people in the world: the kind who yammer on in movies, on hikes, and in bookstores and those who don't. There's a sanctuary to be found in these places and silence is the most appropriate tribute one can offer. To speak is to be a philistine. With that said, it's probably redundant for me to mention that I like silence and M likes to talk, talk, talk. *sighs* So the evening started with Jamaican food, used books, and a sincere desire on my part to murder M for blah-blah-blahing his way through the bookstore. However, when he walked me to the door of my apartment, I got over this and tried to kiss him goodnight. Again, a very bad choice as he literally DUCKED to avoid my lips. He then started to make nervous jokes as I stared at him in horror and let myself into my apartment. I think that's the first time I've ever been denied and I don't wish to repeat the experience...ever. I was mortified. I was embarrassed. I was f*&king confused--is not the same person who made overt declarations of interest? My reaction? I immeadiately started missing D terribly and decided that I was never going to love, let alone date, again. A perfectly rational response give the circumstances, don't you think? T'was not a good night for the poor, beleagured Miz C.
Saturday-Sunday. (aka "The Bad")
I spent most of the day moping...in bed...thinking of D and the future we would never have. I had loved him so much that I had once entertained the idea of marraige and children (albeit very briefly and with a certain amount of fear and trepidation)-- I mourned all that wasn't and that would never be. I cried A LOT that day. There was also an unfortunate incident with a Rueben sandwich that will be discussed in another rant later. Thankfully O saved me from sad memories and saturated fat and hauled me along for a hike along Lake Berryessa. Save for the rednecks screaming "Show us your tits" from their motorboat, it was a pleasant time and O and I had a good heart-to-heart. She even succeeded in dragging me to Second Saturday that night to look at truly atrocious art. I sipped their fizzy water, I nibbled their noshes, I looked bored and jaded, I threw "post-modern deconstruction" into the conversation a few times, but my heart wasn't in it. I returned home to cry more....and more. And for Sunday...more of the same.
Monday (aka "The Not So Bad")
I called D and attempted to have a knock-down-drag-out fight with him over the phone. I didn't succeed. Instead, we had a very adult conversation about what went wrong in our relationship, what was miscommunicated, and what would never be resolved. I got some answers that I didn't want to hear, but I feel as though I got all the answers there were to get. There was a frustrated satisfaction in that and I found some comfort.
I also got a call from M who wanted to explain what happened on Friday night. Due to reasons that I'm not allowed to share, the man is WEIRD about touching and that had a lot to do with his aversion to my kissing him. He also made it clear that he doesn't things to progress physically unless I'm ready for a "real" relationship. I admitted that was probably never going to happen and we reached an impasse, a truce? Feelings were soothed, feathers unruffled, and all was once again good in the hood.
More later...
I've been so exhausted lately that posting has been a very low priority, with brushing my teeth and getting into bed taking precedence. So exhausted in fact, that I'm going to go see the doctor about it. This is a supreme sacrifice to the gods of good health as I so love being poked and prodded. *sighs* So that's my official excuse and I'm sticking with it.
It also gives me license to be uninspiring and boring in this post. Ha.
A lot has happened since I last posted...
Friday. (aka as "The Ugly")
Worked a full day and went out with M afterwards. Bad choice-- I was very tired and hot to get my hands on some Urban Sociology books and that got in the way of me being good company. You see, there are two types of people in the world: the kind who yammer on in movies, on hikes, and in bookstores and those who don't. There's a sanctuary to be found in these places and silence is the most appropriate tribute one can offer. To speak is to be a philistine. With that said, it's probably redundant for me to mention that I like silence and M likes to talk, talk, talk. *sighs* So the evening started with Jamaican food, used books, and a sincere desire on my part to murder M for blah-blah-blahing his way through the bookstore. However, when he walked me to the door of my apartment, I got over this and tried to kiss him goodnight. Again, a very bad choice as he literally DUCKED to avoid my lips. He then started to make nervous jokes as I stared at him in horror and let myself into my apartment. I think that's the first time I've ever been denied and I don't wish to repeat the experience...ever. I was mortified. I was embarrassed. I was f*&king confused--is not the same person who made overt declarations of interest? My reaction? I immeadiately started missing D terribly and decided that I was never going to love, let alone date, again. A perfectly rational response give the circumstances, don't you think? T'was not a good night for the poor, beleagured Miz C.
Saturday-Sunday. (aka "The Bad")
I spent most of the day moping...in bed...thinking of D and the future we would never have. I had loved him so much that I had once entertained the idea of marraige and children (albeit very briefly and with a certain amount of fear and trepidation)-- I mourned all that wasn't and that would never be. I cried A LOT that day. There was also an unfortunate incident with a Rueben sandwich that will be discussed in another rant later. Thankfully O saved me from sad memories and saturated fat and hauled me along for a hike along Lake Berryessa. Save for the rednecks screaming "Show us your tits" from their motorboat, it was a pleasant time and O and I had a good heart-to-heart. She even succeeded in dragging me to Second Saturday that night to look at truly atrocious art. I sipped their fizzy water, I nibbled their noshes, I looked bored and jaded, I threw "post-modern deconstruction" into the conversation a few times, but my heart wasn't in it. I returned home to cry more....and more. And for Sunday...more of the same.
Monday (aka "The Not So Bad")
I called D and attempted to have a knock-down-drag-out fight with him over the phone. I didn't succeed. Instead, we had a very adult conversation about what went wrong in our relationship, what was miscommunicated, and what would never be resolved. I got some answers that I didn't want to hear, but I feel as though I got all the answers there were to get. There was a frustrated satisfaction in that and I found some comfort.
I also got a call from M who wanted to explain what happened on Friday night. Due to reasons that I'm not allowed to share, the man is WEIRD about touching and that had a lot to do with his aversion to my kissing him. He also made it clear that he doesn't things to progress physically unless I'm ready for a "real" relationship. I admitted that was probably never going to happen and we reached an impasse, a truce? Feelings were soothed, feathers unruffled, and all was once again good in the hood.
More later...
