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Back from the test kitchen...
May. 4th, 2005 12:46 amLip Venom...I lived to tell the tale.
Today, in the spirit of adventure, science, and plumper lips, I ventured to the mall in search of the illusive Lip Venom mentioned in an earlier post.
The *VERY* enthusiastic ladies at Sephora lead me to the "Lip Plumping Station" (no shit, it had an actual name and a GIANT pair of glittery lips sitting atop the stand for further advertisement). They were as committed as I was to the cause--all of us huddled under the banner of "Bigger Lips; Better Lives." I felt that I was in good, nay, excellent company on this adventure.
I was shocked to find that there are several varieties of lip plumping products out there that range from the short-term treatment (Lip Venom) to the long-term collagen-building programs that require two part applications and a month-long commitment to bigger lips. The names varied from Plumper Pout to Big Mouth and I couldn't help but think of pornography. *shrugs* I wasn't as titillated by the collagen programs (despite their porno-rific names), because, like all good Americans, I wanted RESULTS NOW, and if it had to hurt a little bit, so be it. Bring on the hard stuff, I'm no pansy.
And apparently, I'm (or rather my lips are) rather hard core, as Melissa, my lip-plumper, pointed out. You see, there's an entire buffet of Lip Venom that one can choose from. It starts with Anti-Venom (no plumping, just gloss) for the pussies who can't take the heat, followed by the nancyboy level of "Lip Venom Lite" (it's gentle). I tried this variety and didn't feel the burn or even the tingle. This impressed Melissa who declared that my lips were "tough" (Yar!) and proceeded to turn up the Lip Venom Heat.
Once you get to full-strength Lip Venom there are a number of options available. You can have shiny plumped lips. Glittery (gold or silver) plumped lips. Tinted plumped lips. The common denominator is that you get to feel the burn and take the fat lips home to show your friends and family.
I chose a gold glittery sample and let Melissa draw me a drip of that amazing miracle stuff. It burned like a bitch and continued to do so for the next ten minutes (after that, I think my lips simply acclimated), but I figured, "No Pain, No Gain" and continued to browse while the Venom did it's plumping thing.
Plump. Plump. Plump.
The results: I knew it would hurt, but I didn't expect it to suck.
When I checked my newly plumped pucker it was indeed bigger and slightly pinker than it's virgin status. The product works; the stories are true.
What I didn't realize is that my lips would be shellacked into a high gloss worthy of baby prostitutes and Prom Queens or that my upper lip would take on a slightly Cro-Magnon appearance. The product also disproportionately plumped my lower lip. Melissa recommended that I start a collagen building program for my upper lip as a long-term treatment and lip liner and gloss as a short term fix. Since her recommendations tripled the amount of make-up that I usually wear, I politely declined and left the store with my $15 still firmly clutched in hand.
My adventure left me wiser and plumper. I realized, I like my lips the way they are...I suspect that most women do. Big lips are a curious beauty fad and the fact that there's enough of a cosmetic industry built up around them to necessitate "plumping stations" makes me worry. Once upon a time it was enough to worry about your ass...now you've got to worry about the size of your lips? Feh. There's an entire industry dedicated to making us feel bad, look ridiculous, and we pay them dearly for the priviledge.
Fuck that.
Stick it to the man, let the only fat lips in your life be the ones you give, not receive.
Thumbs down on the LV tip.
Today, in the spirit of adventure, science, and plumper lips, I ventured to the mall in search of the illusive Lip Venom mentioned in an earlier post.
The *VERY* enthusiastic ladies at Sephora lead me to the "Lip Plumping Station" (no shit, it had an actual name and a GIANT pair of glittery lips sitting atop the stand for further advertisement). They were as committed as I was to the cause--all of us huddled under the banner of "Bigger Lips; Better Lives." I felt that I was in good, nay, excellent company on this adventure.
I was shocked to find that there are several varieties of lip plumping products out there that range from the short-term treatment (Lip Venom) to the long-term collagen-building programs that require two part applications and a month-long commitment to bigger lips. The names varied from Plumper Pout to Big Mouth and I couldn't help but think of pornography. *shrugs* I wasn't as titillated by the collagen programs (despite their porno-rific names), because, like all good Americans, I wanted RESULTS NOW, and if it had to hurt a little bit, so be it. Bring on the hard stuff, I'm no pansy.
And apparently, I'm (or rather my lips are) rather hard core, as Melissa, my lip-plumper, pointed out. You see, there's an entire buffet of Lip Venom that one can choose from. It starts with Anti-Venom (no plumping, just gloss) for the pussies who can't take the heat, followed by the nancyboy level of "Lip Venom Lite" (it's gentle). I tried this variety and didn't feel the burn or even the tingle. This impressed Melissa who declared that my lips were "tough" (Yar!) and proceeded to turn up the Lip Venom Heat.
Once you get to full-strength Lip Venom there are a number of options available. You can have shiny plumped lips. Glittery (gold or silver) plumped lips. Tinted plumped lips. The common denominator is that you get to feel the burn and take the fat lips home to show your friends and family.
I chose a gold glittery sample and let Melissa draw me a drip of that amazing miracle stuff. It burned like a bitch and continued to do so for the next ten minutes (after that, I think my lips simply acclimated), but I figured, "No Pain, No Gain" and continued to browse while the Venom did it's plumping thing.
Plump. Plump. Plump.
The results: I knew it would hurt, but I didn't expect it to suck.
When I checked my newly plumped pucker it was indeed bigger and slightly pinker than it's virgin status. The product works; the stories are true.
What I didn't realize is that my lips would be shellacked into a high gloss worthy of baby prostitutes and Prom Queens or that my upper lip would take on a slightly Cro-Magnon appearance. The product also disproportionately plumped my lower lip. Melissa recommended that I start a collagen building program for my upper lip as a long-term treatment and lip liner and gloss as a short term fix. Since her recommendations tripled the amount of make-up that I usually wear, I politely declined and left the store with my $15 still firmly clutched in hand.
My adventure left me wiser and plumper. I realized, I like my lips the way they are...I suspect that most women do. Big lips are a curious beauty fad and the fact that there's enough of a cosmetic industry built up around them to necessitate "plumping stations" makes me worry. Once upon a time it was enough to worry about your ass...now you've got to worry about the size of your lips? Feh. There's an entire industry dedicated to making us feel bad, look ridiculous, and we pay them dearly for the priviledge.
Fuck that.
Stick it to the man, let the only fat lips in your life be the ones you give, not receive.
Thumbs down on the LV tip.
