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Gushing like a teenager
Nov. 12th, 2003 12:10 amWhoo hoo! I'm semi-accomplished today. Can I get a woot woot?
Today I shaved my legs for the first time in two months. Oh my god, it was like a Yeti died in the bathtub. Dios mios.
I did laundry today! Clean underwear for days! Socks too!
I went grocery shopping! Tofu for days! Ham too!
On other fronts, I had a rather successful evening volunteering at the Co-op with O. We made Falafel (thankfully) and brown rice--it was vegetarian dish I didn't feel guilty serving to the good people of the DFC.
THREE of my cute boys stopped by today. The boring one (dull but nice eye candy--god I'm so reductionist), the naive one (a Midwest farmer's son), and the art store boy.
I actually told art store boy to move along to O's demo table while I got the naive boy's number (for a future dinner party, not a date--he's too naive for me). Apparently he just stood next to O and was dumbfounded. I went to get him later and he spent forty-five minutes talking with me. Apparently he only comes to the Co-op on the night I work and plans to make a habit of it, he didn't come to the store to buy anything, and invited me (and O) to a party his friend is throwing Friday night. I should have been tickled, but instead I was tired. He's cute, he's flirty, but I suspect he only wants the attention. I'm not interested in dead ends right now. That sounds horrible, but I don't want to get my hopes up over those who are uninterested or otherwise taken and I only have so much energy to banter and flirt. I feel old. I feel tired. Bleck.
After Co-oping it, A invited O and me to his house for dinner where he presented us with a feast of squash casserole, greens, and rice...all which he had grown himself in his garden (save for the rice). It was fantastic--A is an amazing cook and a fabulous host. I keep offering to marry him if only to keep him in my kitchen, but he's holding out for love. Sheesh. O, A, and I had a great conversation...I'd try to relay it but it would only sound like hippy schlock, but it was good. I left feeling warm and valued. I have great friends. I live in a great place. It makes me sad and scared that I'll have to leave it soon to figure out my own life. (Ironically O and A live in a place called "The Shire.") I have such amazing people in my life, it seems arrogant to think that I'll be able to find others like them out in world...but I have to believe that that's the case. I'm not growing here. I need faith that I can grow and love others elsewhere. I really NEED to believe that that can be the case. Until then, I am so very thankful for what I have.
One of the things A and O discussed with me were my motivations for screwing around with Dr. S. They both think that I'm turning to him because D is no longer turning to me. Dr. S is a rejection-proof diversion. I then thought back to what the therapist said about me staying with D in any sort of a relationship, "You'll only lose more of yourself." And tonight, with the help of my friends, I realized that that's what's happening. It's not like me to chase Dr. S (hell, I denied him time and time again for almost an entire year) or to breakup existing relationships (I've never ever done anything like this before)...my insecurities attached to the whole C and D situation are driving me places that I wouldn't normally go. That's not to say that D is responsible for my choices in any way or that I'm not responsible for them, it's just that I'm beginning to understand why I'm making the choices I've been making. It's a reaction to a situation that I need to remove myself from. At last, I get it. Oh my.
So I'm not meeting Dr. S tomorrow nor am I hanging out with D. I'm staying home and cleaning my apartment--spending time with the one person that needs me most...me.
Today I shaved my legs for the first time in two months. Oh my god, it was like a Yeti died in the bathtub. Dios mios.
I did laundry today! Clean underwear for days! Socks too!
I went grocery shopping! Tofu for days! Ham too!
On other fronts, I had a rather successful evening volunteering at the Co-op with O. We made Falafel (thankfully) and brown rice--it was vegetarian dish I didn't feel guilty serving to the good people of the DFC.
THREE of my cute boys stopped by today. The boring one (dull but nice eye candy--god I'm so reductionist), the naive one (a Midwest farmer's son), and the art store boy.
I actually told art store boy to move along to O's demo table while I got the naive boy's number (for a future dinner party, not a date--he's too naive for me). Apparently he just stood next to O and was dumbfounded. I went to get him later and he spent forty-five minutes talking with me. Apparently he only comes to the Co-op on the night I work and plans to make a habit of it, he didn't come to the store to buy anything, and invited me (and O) to a party his friend is throwing Friday night. I should have been tickled, but instead I was tired. He's cute, he's flirty, but I suspect he only wants the attention. I'm not interested in dead ends right now. That sounds horrible, but I don't want to get my hopes up over those who are uninterested or otherwise taken and I only have so much energy to banter and flirt. I feel old. I feel tired. Bleck.
After Co-oping it, A invited O and me to his house for dinner where he presented us with a feast of squash casserole, greens, and rice...all which he had grown himself in his garden (save for the rice). It was fantastic--A is an amazing cook and a fabulous host. I keep offering to marry him if only to keep him in my kitchen, but he's holding out for love. Sheesh. O, A, and I had a great conversation...I'd try to relay it but it would only sound like hippy schlock, but it was good. I left feeling warm and valued. I have great friends. I live in a great place. It makes me sad and scared that I'll have to leave it soon to figure out my own life. (Ironically O and A live in a place called "The Shire.") I have such amazing people in my life, it seems arrogant to think that I'll be able to find others like them out in world...but I have to believe that that's the case. I'm not growing here. I need faith that I can grow and love others elsewhere. I really NEED to believe that that can be the case. Until then, I am so very thankful for what I have.
One of the things A and O discussed with me were my motivations for screwing around with Dr. S. They both think that I'm turning to him because D is no longer turning to me. Dr. S is a rejection-proof diversion. I then thought back to what the therapist said about me staying with D in any sort of a relationship, "You'll only lose more of yourself." And tonight, with the help of my friends, I realized that that's what's happening. It's not like me to chase Dr. S (hell, I denied him time and time again for almost an entire year) or to breakup existing relationships (I've never ever done anything like this before)...my insecurities attached to the whole C and D situation are driving me places that I wouldn't normally go. That's not to say that D is responsible for my choices in any way or that I'm not responsible for them, it's just that I'm beginning to understand why I'm making the choices I've been making. It's a reaction to a situation that I need to remove myself from. At last, I get it. Oh my.
So I'm not meeting Dr. S tomorrow nor am I hanging out with D. I'm staying home and cleaning my apartment--spending time with the one person that needs me most...me.
