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Leaving on a Jet Plane
Apr. 11th, 2003 12:35 amIt's been forever since I've written in these pages...life has been a series of shifts at work, escapes to the coast, and nights spent at D's. I haven't had any time to write or reflect and I think that's been ultimately to my detriment. So many things are happening and so much of it requires my attention that I just need some time to think about the decisions I have to make and the ramifications of those decisions. But I don't have that time...even these moments for my journal are stolen as they should be dedicated to the more productive tasks of laundry, packing, or sleeping.
*sighs*
Update:
D and I are back together again on very tentative terms...too tentative for his liking. He offered me an ultimatum (granted, I don't think that's how he meant to present it) of either making it work again as a real relationship or opening it up to the possibility of dating other people. I don't think that this is unfair, but I also don't think that either of those options can ever be explored. The problems that ended our relationship are still present and just as insurmountable as they were before with the additional complications of a battered trust and a lot of lingering pain--it seems foolish to attempt to rescue something so doomed. And as far as dating other people goes, I know myself too well to think that I could handle it. I'm too jealous and I have no desire to put myself through something that will both hurt and infuriate me. This effectively rules out remaining "friends," and besides there's always the added complication that D and I cannot relate to one another as anything besides lovers. If a decision has to be made, the only option left is to say goodbye...completely and permanently and I'm sorry to say that I'm not ready for that either. I expressed all of this to D and he said that he hadn't considered all of that and yes, our odd state of limbo was preferred to making any of those decisions. Sadly, both of us know that it won't last, not for long. He's already getting antsy and distant and I'm emotionally removing myself more and more as each day passes. Damned if we do, damned if we don't...I should have never, ever resurrected this cursed thing.
*sighs*
At least there's been some trips to Marin, Napa, Sonoma, SF and some great sex..there's something to be said for all of that, eh?
*energy drops*
In other worlds, I've totally fallen off the dieting wagon. I gained ten pounds. I'm suitably ashamed and am ready to do penance with reduced points and extra time at the gym. I will not sacrifice all of the progress I've made on Mochi and fast food. Not. Not. Not.
I've also gotten disgusted enough with my current employment situation that I'm ready to make a change. I've been talking to a union organizer friend and she's gotten me all hot and bothered about potentially working with her. More on that later...
I'm leaving for LA for the weekend. Time to pick up my mom's old car (my new car) and to spend some quality time with the parents and sisters at California Adventure. Some might call this FFF (Forced Family Fun) a decent into hell but I'm more optimistic...at least there'll be fireworks. *shrugs*
More when I return from So Cal.
And oh yes, Tom Russell is coming back to town....whoo hoo!
*sighs*
Update:
D and I are back together again on very tentative terms...too tentative for his liking. He offered me an ultimatum (granted, I don't think that's how he meant to present it) of either making it work again as a real relationship or opening it up to the possibility of dating other people. I don't think that this is unfair, but I also don't think that either of those options can ever be explored. The problems that ended our relationship are still present and just as insurmountable as they were before with the additional complications of a battered trust and a lot of lingering pain--it seems foolish to attempt to rescue something so doomed. And as far as dating other people goes, I know myself too well to think that I could handle it. I'm too jealous and I have no desire to put myself through something that will both hurt and infuriate me. This effectively rules out remaining "friends," and besides there's always the added complication that D and I cannot relate to one another as anything besides lovers. If a decision has to be made, the only option left is to say goodbye...completely and permanently and I'm sorry to say that I'm not ready for that either. I expressed all of this to D and he said that he hadn't considered all of that and yes, our odd state of limbo was preferred to making any of those decisions. Sadly, both of us know that it won't last, not for long. He's already getting antsy and distant and I'm emotionally removing myself more and more as each day passes. Damned if we do, damned if we don't...I should have never, ever resurrected this cursed thing.
*sighs*
At least there's been some trips to Marin, Napa, Sonoma, SF and some great sex..there's something to be said for all of that, eh?
*energy drops*
In other worlds, I've totally fallen off the dieting wagon. I gained ten pounds. I'm suitably ashamed and am ready to do penance with reduced points and extra time at the gym. I will not sacrifice all of the progress I've made on Mochi and fast food. Not. Not. Not.
I've also gotten disgusted enough with my current employment situation that I'm ready to make a change. I've been talking to a union organizer friend and she's gotten me all hot and bothered about potentially working with her. More on that later...
I'm leaving for LA for the weekend. Time to pick up my mom's old car (my new car) and to spend some quality time with the parents and sisters at California Adventure. Some might call this FFF (Forced Family Fun) a decent into hell but I'm more optimistic...at least there'll be fireworks. *shrugs*
More when I return from So Cal.
And oh yes, Tom Russell is coming back to town....whoo hoo!
