(no subject)

Home. Alone. It's Saturday night and thanks to a bout with a cold and a looooong nap, I've missed all of my opportunities to go out this evening.
*sighs*
Instead, I've given myself over to a crying jag over D. It's taking everything I have not to go drown my sorrows in the myriad of leftovers that are in the fridge. I am most definitely an emotional eater and right now a binge is calling my name. I.will. not. eat. any. more. tonight. I've lost anywhere from 25-30 lbs since the break-up. I will NOT jeopardize that. Not for him or the memory him or anyone. I'm stronger than that.

I did go out with M today, again. He was surprised that I called him up and wanted to see him TWICE in the same weekend; he wasn't sure that I could handle that much of him in a two-day period. I wasn't so sure myself, but the afternoon was quite pleasant. M is growing on me. I don't know if it's his personality and intellect that are winning me over or if it's my own sense of vanity and loneliness that make him more attractive to me. Either way, his appeal is improving.
We went and had lunch at the Tower Cafe and then went to see "Love Liza" (yet another depressing film that I do not recommend). At lunch I brought up the whole leprosy hug thing and told him that I was not okay with the cooty treatment. He told me that it was nothing personal but that he didn't like hugging as a rule, he felt that it was mostly an insincere social gesture and he wasn't comfortable with it. He told me, however, he was comfortable with just about everything else...holding hands, kissing. pretty much anything short of public sex. But *shrugs* after the movies he dropped me off at the apartment and I didn't so much as a handshake. It's a very odd and frustrating situation, but I'm trying not to get too hung up on it (ha).

Tonight M is out having a "Texas Break-up Party" with his friends. What the hell is that you ask? Today I learned that it's a cathartic ritual where when one of the boys has been unceremoniously dumped by his girlfriend, the tribe goes out to Strip Joints to ease the pain. Apparently boobs in the face is a universal panacea (so that's why I'm not getting over D....). Eh, tacky, but whatever gets you through the night, right?

Speaking of getting through the night, I talked to O for a long time this evening. She's still having her affair with Mr. X. Despite the fact that she can intellectually grasp the moral and psychological problems with this relationship, she can't bring herself to stop it. I understand where she is (doing things you'll know you'll regret--not sleeping with married men) and I know that change can be illusive and difficult, but I hope she has the strength to stop the affair. In the meantime I'll try to help and understand without judging her. It's really difficult, but I love O and the person that she is. I just hope she works past this, for her own sake more than anything.

I also ran into R at the movies and found out that A is running for City Council in ______. I love A! He was the student body president of my university and I miss the midnight calls he used to make asking me for political advice and strategy. I think I'm going to work on his campaign. I can't think of a better person to launch into the political universe. More on that later.

Motivation. Today while searching for clean clothes and while worrying about how I was going to afford new ones, I came across some old clothes from my thinner days. I fit into most of them now. Yay! That was a truly extraordinary and validating moment and I have three more pairs of clean jeans. Ha, I may never have to do laundry again!

Sleep beckons, rather abruptly. Good night all!

Bad, bad, bad, bad.

Instead of working out this morning and doing my laundry, I slept in and went to breakfast with M this morning. Argh. Progress Cassandra, would you like to make any at all? This is the beginning of a slippery slope...the idea behind being single is that all your energies are save for you, to propel you onward and upward. Instead, I'm doing this half-assed dating thing and am frittering my precious energy on other people. No, no, no. I will not take this path again. I won't.
*sigh* And I ate almost all the calories allotted for the day in one meal.
Tomorrow will be better, it has to be. It's time to re-prioritize. Right now.

I was a little disturbed to see that M had picked the lock of the entry way into my apartment building (he used to be a locksmith). I know he did it to show that he could in that "I'm good at everything, just watch me" way, but it left me wondering if he's left all of his sordid and questionable past behind him. It wasn't a comfort.

After breakfast, M gave me a copy of the Amelie DVD. It was terribly sweet and, as ever, eternally confusing. For the inquiring minds out there, there was no kiss. Nada. Niguno. Nothing. No surprise to my loyal readers I am sure. *sighs* I did insist on hugging him and giving him one of those hearty European kisses (both cheeks with an exaggerated MWAH! sound), his hugging issues be damned. Such a confusing and frustrating young man...I suspect that's part of his charm.

On other fronts, my poor little sister has the flu and is going to miss Science Camp. She's been hiding her nose bleeds and temperatures from my mother for that very reason. She's understandably peeved with my mother and her pesky concerns for her health and well-being. Poor kid. I still remember when I had to miss the Spring Sing in Kindergarten because of the Chicken Pox. I feel for the kid, I really do.

Anyways, time to leave for work (groans).

PS Camille, I will call you soon...I promise!