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God, I've reverted. This entire journal has been one long rambling diatribe on dieting and boys. I don't think I was this shallow even in high school, but *shrugs* these concerns are preferable to the larger looming ones of "what am I going to do with the rest of my life" and "what does it all mean." *sigh* And so it goes.
And on that note, I don't think A likes me "that way" which is something I'm surprisingly okay with. We went out for drinks last night and it became increasingly apparent that looks are something that A values enormously as well as an interest in art. I don't happen to possess copious amounts of the former and know absolutely nothing about the latter. *shrugs* It's probably best.
Yesterday I thought about the prospect of dating someone that I really liked and was absolutely terrified. I don't have that kind of trust, energy, or interest right now. In fact, I'm coming to the somewhat sobering conclusion that I shouldn't date ANYONE right now. I'm better single; I can put all of my energy toward improving myself. The best periods of my life have been when I was single; I don't need a partner to be happy or fulfilled. However, I am addicted to the flattery and attention and I can't help but I crave the physical contact. Needs, urgh, they're a bitch.
Later in the evening H & T joined us and the conversation inevitably turned to art and art history *groans*. Once again I found myself unable to participate in the dialogue and was understandably frustrated. This scenario is becoming more and more familar to me, but it's not confined to the topics of art and art history. I don't have the intellectual confidence and/or knowledge to engage in many of the conversations that I find myself silently part of. I see the gaping holes in my education. I'm ashamed that I don't have the same intellectual curiosity that I so admire in others. I kick myself for laziness. I worry that I don't have any hobbies. As a result I've realized that I've become quite boring and shallow and as "D" noted so eloquently, "without passion."
Growing up my "great personality"or whatever you'd like to call it was an organic phenomenon...now it's something I've got to actively work at? I've dropped the ball and have become milquetoast. I can lose all the weight I want and become as attractive as I like, but once you get past the facade, I'll still just be me and apparently "me" isn't much.
*sigh*
Ever onward, I know, but I'm not sure how to proceed. This isn't who I want to be but I've yet to figure out how to address that.
And on that note, I don't think A likes me "that way" which is something I'm surprisingly okay with. We went out for drinks last night and it became increasingly apparent that looks are something that A values enormously as well as an interest in art. I don't happen to possess copious amounts of the former and know absolutely nothing about the latter. *shrugs* It's probably best.
Yesterday I thought about the prospect of dating someone that I really liked and was absolutely terrified. I don't have that kind of trust, energy, or interest right now. In fact, I'm coming to the somewhat sobering conclusion that I shouldn't date ANYONE right now. I'm better single; I can put all of my energy toward improving myself. The best periods of my life have been when I was single; I don't need a partner to be happy or fulfilled. However, I am addicted to the flattery and attention and I can't help but I crave the physical contact. Needs, urgh, they're a bitch.
Later in the evening H & T joined us and the conversation inevitably turned to art and art history *groans*. Once again I found myself unable to participate in the dialogue and was understandably frustrated. This scenario is becoming more and more familar to me, but it's not confined to the topics of art and art history. I don't have the intellectual confidence and/or knowledge to engage in many of the conversations that I find myself silently part of. I see the gaping holes in my education. I'm ashamed that I don't have the same intellectual curiosity that I so admire in others. I kick myself for laziness. I worry that I don't have any hobbies. As a result I've realized that I've become quite boring and shallow and as "D" noted so eloquently, "without passion."
Growing up my "great personality"or whatever you'd like to call it was an organic phenomenon...now it's something I've got to actively work at? I've dropped the ball and have become milquetoast. I can lose all the weight I want and become as attractive as I like, but once you get past the facade, I'll still just be me and apparently "me" isn't much.
*sigh*
Ever onward, I know, but I'm not sure how to proceed. This isn't who I want to be but I've yet to figure out how to address that.
