Relapse

I started the day by crying in the shower. That's never a good sign and it's a rotten harbinger for the rest of week.

And it was about D, of course.

Last night, after my massage, I started missing him terribly.
The massages I get are always a sensual experience (I can mostly credit my masseuse for that). That combined with the fact that I'm ovulating make me a powerful sexual force in the world right now. Those urges what drives me lately. Unfortunately every sexual urge and impulse I have is still attached to the memory of him. It's odd, I've been with other men, but it's the thought of him, and only him, that dominates those impulses. I swear my body started craving (still craves) his last night..it wasn't an emotional need but rather a physical one. There's a comfort and confusion in that.
So this morning, when I um, er, tried to satisfy my own needs (and succeeded), I broke down sobbing....sobbing because I missed him...because he hurt me....and because I couldn't climax without thinking of him and remembering all that we had and lost.
I guess it wasn't just a physical need after all.
It hit me hard and it was unexpected (I haven't cried in weeks), and it stayed with me all day. How frustrating and sad...I will not mourn him anymore. No. No. NO!

In other news, I lost 6 pounds this week...yay. I also joined a gym today. Hurrah.

More later when I've had a nap and am less cranky.

Puppetry of the what?

Just got back from Puppetry of the Penis and another outing with M (I guess that makes it our second date). The show was good (for two guys playing with themselves for an hour) but the date was....eh.....there was no spark. None. Whatsoever. He wants to take me on the Napa Wine Train this weekend, but I can't fathom spending an entire day with him. I made up some lame excuse about going to the city to look at art. It was half-hearted and I think he knew that.
*sighs*
What he didn't know is that I spent the whole night wishing that it was D sitting next to me instead of him.
I don't think I'm ready to date again but I do think that I am ready to be over D. I hate this lurking grief...it seems so deceptive and unfair.
*sighs*
Best to go to bed now.